当有人伤透你的心你的大脑会发生什么变化What Happens to Your Brain When Someone Breaks Your Heart

When my husband packed up and left for good, I went through intense withdrawal. I wasn’t dependent on alcohol or any other highly addictive stimulants.

当我丈夫收拾行李永远离开后，我经历了强烈的戒断反应。我并没有依赖酒精或其他高度成瘾的兴奋剂。

但我却经历了同样的典型症状：一阵阵地哭泣、嗜睡、焦虑、易怒、失眠以及食欲不振。我也像个重度成瘾者一样经常“旧病复发”。

Long after my husband moved on, any random signal — a restaurant, a melody, a joke, a TV show, anything really — could send me into a fresh spiral of panic, anxiety, and tears.

在我丈夫早已开始新生活很久之后，任何一个随机的信号 — 一家餐厅、一段旋律、一个笑话、一档电视节目，任何蛛丝马迹 — 都能让我再次陷入恐慌、焦虑和眼泪的漩涡中。

I’d compulsively replay cheesy breakup songs. I’d retell my victim story again and again to anyone with ears. I’d binge-watch true crime shows and root for the jilted lovers who followed through on their revenge fantasies.

我会强迫症般地单曲循环那些俗气的失恋情歌。我会抓着任何一个愿意倾听的人，一遍又一遍地讲述我作为受害者的故事。我会疯狂刷真实犯罪节目，并在心里暗暗为那些把复仇幻想付诸行动的被抛弃者加油叫好。

If it sounds like I was a little bit nuts, you’re right. But what I didn’t know at the time was that my brain-overdosing on some brain chemicals and starving for others-was doing exactly what it was designed to do.

如果这听起来像是我有点神经质，没错，你说对了。但我当时并不知道的是，我的大脑因某些脑内化学物质分泌过剩，同时又极度缺乏另一些化学物质-仅仅是在执行它原本的生理机制而已。

The jilted brain

遭遇抛弃的大脑

At some point in our lives, nearly all of us experience the anguish of rejection by a romantic partner.

在我们生命中的某个时刻，几乎所有人都经历过被伴侣拒绝的锥心之痛。

In a study of students at Case Western Reserve University, 93% reported being spurned by someone they passionately loved.(And consider that these were young adults-folks just entering the rough-and-tumble world of romance.)

凯斯西储大学针对学生的一项研究显示，93%的人表示曾被自己深爱的人抛弃。(要知道，这些还是年轻人-刚刚步入跌宕起伏的情爱世界的男男女女。)

To learn more about what happens in our brains when we’re jilted, biological anthropologist Helen Fisher and her colleagues used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to analyze the brain activity of people who’d recently been dumped.

为了进一步了解当我们被甩时大脑里到底发生了什么，生物人类学家海伦·费舍尔及其同事利用功能性磁共振成像(fMRI)技术，分析了刚经历分手的人的大脑活动。

All participants said they spent more than 85% of their waking hours ruminating about the person who rejected them, and 100% yearned for their partner to return.

所有参与者都表示，在清醒的时间里，他们有超过85%的时间都在反复回想那个抛弃他们的人，而且100%的人都渴望伴侣能回心转意。

Many, because of their raw emotions, weren’t easily persuaded to enter the scanning tube. But after they eventually complied, they spent their time in the tube viewing photos of their former partners.

许多人由于情绪过于崩溃，起初并不愿意进入扫描舱。但在他们最终妥协进去之后，他们在舱内一直盯着前任的照片看。

What researchers saw on the MRI was stunning. For all the lovesick participants, one particular brain region — the nucleus accumbens — lit up like a candlelit dinner for two.

研究人员在MRI上看到的画面令人震惊。对于所有饱受情伤折磨的参与者来说，大脑中一个特定的区域——伏隔核——像两人烛光晚餐里的蜡烛一样被点亮了。

As lead author Fisher put it, “This is the part linked with addiction mechanisms — including the cravings for intensely stimulating substances, and even gambling, physical urges, and food.” This overstimulation was a clear indication of the subjects’ sustained and intense attachment to their former lovers.

正如首席作者费舍尔所说：“这个区域与成瘾机制直接相关——包括对各种强烈刺激性物质的渴望，甚至包括对赌博、某些生理冲动和食物的极度渴求。”这种过度刺激，清楚地表明了受试者对前任有着持续而强烈的依恋。

Love is an addiction

爱情本身就是一种上瘾

Fisher’s findings mirrored those discovered 10 years earlier by neuroscientists at University College London.

费舍尔的这一发现，印证了十年前伦敦大学学院的神经科学家们的研究结果。

Using MRI imaging, the researchers found that two disparate groups of people showed the same levels of activity in their brains: Those in love and those heavily dependent on highly addictive substances.

通过MRI成像，研究人员发现，两组截然不同的人群在大脑中表现出了相同水平的活动：处于热恋中的人，以及对高度成瘾物质产生严重依赖的人。

That led to Fisher’s theory that all romantic love — whether shared or unrequited — isn’t just a simple emotion. It’s a human drive fueled by brain chemistry, which fluctuates wildly during a breakup.

这使得费舍尔得出了一个理论：所有的浪漫爱情——无论是双向奔赴还是单相思——都不只是一种简单的情绪。它是一种由大脑化学物质驱动的人类本能，而这种化学物质在分手期间会剧烈波动。

“Directly or indirectly, virtually all highly addictive substances affect a single pathway in the brain — the mesolimbic reward system, activated by dopamine,” Fisher said.

费舍尔说：“无论是直接还是间接，几乎所有容易引起滥用的成瘾物质，都会影响大脑中的同一条通路——即由多巴胺激活的中脑边缘奖励系统。”

Romantic love — whether shared or unrequited — “stimulates the same pathway with the same chemical.”

浪漫的爱情——无论是两情相悦还是单相思——“都在用同一种化学物质刺激着同一条通路。”

Based on her findings, Fisher concluded that love itself is an addiction.

基于她的研究发现，费舍尔得出结论：爱本身就是一种成瘾。

“It’s a positive addiction when one’s love is reciprocated, nontoxic, and appropriate,” she said. “It’s a disastrously negative addiction when one’s feelings of romantic love are inappropriate, poisonous, unreciprocated, or formally rejected.”

她说：“当一个人的爱得到回应、毫无毒性且恰如其分时，这是一种积极的上瘾。而当这种浪漫的爱不合时宜、充满毒性、得不到回应，或是被正式拒绝时，它就变成了一种灾难性的负面上瘾。”

How to get your life back

如何找回你的人生

Fortunately, Fisher maintained it’s possible to tame an unhealthy love dependency. “It just takes determination and time,” she said. “And a little knowledge of brain function and human nature can be helpful, too.”

幸运的是，费舍尔坚持认为，驯服这种不健康的“爱情依赖”是完全有可能的。“这只需要决心和时间，”她说，“同时，稍微了解一些大脑运作机制和人性的常识，也会大有帮助。”

From her book Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, here are Fisher’s top tips for recovering from romantic loss:

以下是摘自费舍尔的著作《我们为什么坠入爱河：浪漫爱情的本质与化学反应》中，关于如何从情伤中恢复的首要建议：

Remove all evidence of the beloved

清除旧爱的所有痕迹

If you wish to recover, you must remove all traces of the thief who stole your heart. Throw out cards and letters, or stuff them in a box and place them out of reach.

如果你想走出来，你必须抹去那个偷走你心的“小偷”留下的所有痕迹。扔掉贺卡和信件，或者把它们塞进一个箱子里，放在你够不到的地方。

Under no circumstances should you call or write! Even the briefest contact can fire up your brain circuits for romantic ardor.

在任何情况下，你都不应该给对方打电话或写信！哪怕是最短暂的接触，都会重新点燃你大脑中掌管恋爱狂热的神经回路。

Meditate

冥想

Develop a few mantras and silently repeat them. Do this long enough to quiet your negative thoughts. Fisher suggested saying something positive about yourself and your future ——even if it’s not exactly true yet.

想出几句口诀（咒语），并在心里默念它们。坚持做下去，直到足以平息你的负面情绪。费舍尔建议说一些关于你自己和你未来的积极的话——哪怕这些话现在还不完全是真的。

For example, you might say to yourself, “I love being free to do what I want, when I want, on my own.” (The mantra I used? “At least the bathroom smells better now.”)

比如，你可以对自己说：“我喜欢这种随时随地、想干嘛就干嘛的单身自由。”（我当时用的口诀是什么？是“至少现在浴室里的气味好闻多了。”）

Stop your compulsive thinking

停止强迫性思维

Someone is camping in your brain. You must throw the scoundrel out! This may require staying out of the places that you and your lover frequented and no longer playing the songs you used to share.

有个人在你的大脑里安营扎寨了。你必须把这个无赖赶出去！这可能需要你避开你们曾经经常光顾的地方，也不要再放你们曾经共同分享过的歌曲。

If you can’t seem to stop your obsessive ruminations, think about your ex’s negative traits or that horrible weekend you had together. Make a list and carry it around with you for easy reference.

如果你似乎无法控制自己的胡思乱想，那就多想想你前任身上的臭毛病，或者你们曾经度过的那个糟糕透顶的周末。列一个清单，随身带着，方便随时拿出来“复习”。

Stay busy

保持忙碌

The despair of unrequited love is associated with plummeting levels of dopamine. As you do new things, you elevate this feel-good substance — boosting your energy and hope.

爱而不得的绝望，往往伴随着多巴胺水平的骤降。当你尝试新事物时，你会提升这种让你感觉良好的化学物质——从而重振你的精力和希望。

Do anything that forces you to concentrate your attention. Call friends. Visit neighbors. Play cards. Learn a hobby. Walk your dog. Make a meal. Listen to music. Dance. Sing. Journal. If you’re having trouble getting yourself out of bed, force yourself!

做任何能强迫你集中注意力的事情。给朋友打电话、拜访邻居、打牌、培养个新爱好、遛狗、做饭、听听音乐、跳舞、唱歌、写日记。如果你觉得自己连从床上爬起来都困难，那就逼自己一把！

Exercise

运动

Strenuous physical activity increases levels of dopamine in your brain, bringing feelings of euphoria. Some psychiatrists believe exercise can be as effective in healing depression as psychotherapy or antidepressant drugs.

剧烈的体力活动会增加大脑中的多巴胺水平，从而带来快感。一些精神病学家认为，在治疗抑郁方面，运动和心理治疗或抗抑郁药物一样有效。

If you exercise outside on a sunny day, you get an extra benefit: Sunlight stimulates the pineal gland in the brain, which regulates bodily rhythms in ways that elevate your mood.

如果你在一个阳光明媚的日子里去户外运动，你还会获得额外的奖励：阳光会刺激大脑中的松果体，它能通过调节身体节律来改善你的情绪。

Put on a happy face

挤出一个笑脸

Psychologists have long known that smiling can raise your mood. Even if you feel like crying inside, the act of smiling activates nerve pathways in your brain that can give you feelings of pleasure.

心理学家早就发现，微笑可以提升情绪。即使你内心想哭，“微笑”这个动作本身就会激活你大脑中的神经通路，从而带给你愉悦的感觉。

Talk to your doctor about antidepressants

考虑和医生谈谈抗抑郁药物

More than 14% of Americans take some form of serotonin uptake inhibitors (SSRIs) to counter their symptoms of depression, stress, or the despair of lost love.

超过14%的美国人服用某种形式的血清素再摄取抑制剂(SSRIs)，来对抗他们的抑郁症状、压力或失恋后的绝望感。

With SSRIs, many patients begin to sleep through the night, eat regular meals, and go about their business with increased ease. SSRIs may even repair some of the physical damage caused by the stress of a breakup.

在SSRIs的帮助下，许多患者开始能够一觉睡到天亮，按时吃饭，并更加从容地处理日常事务。SSRIs甚至可能修复由分手压力造成的某些生理损伤。

“SSRIs stimulate the growth of nerve cells in the hippocampus, the brain’s memory center,” Fisher explained, “thereby reversing the harm often caused by prolonged stress.”

费舍尔解释说：“SSRIs能刺激大脑记忆中心——海马体——神经细胞的生长，从而逆转由长期压力经常造成的伤害。”

Fantasize!

去幻想吧!

Picture yourself walking arm in arm with the perfect mate. Make it up. Use all your senses. Let the scene run through your mind like a movie, except now you are directing the action. This is all your game, with you in control, so make it good!

想象一下你正和完美的伴侣臂挽着臂走在一起。在脑海里编织这个画面。调动你所有的感官。让这个场景像电影一样在你脑海中放映，只不过这次，你才是导演。这是完全属于你的游戏，由你来掌控，所以，把它想得越美好越好!

The great healer

伟大的治愈者

When a romance ends, it’s natural to feel you’ve failed. But if you’ve learned what you were meant to learn, then you can view the relationship as a success.

当一段感情画上句号时，你会觉得自己很失败，这很正常。但如果你从中领悟了你本该学到的教训，那么你完全可以把这段关系看作是一次成功。

Post-separation is the time to learn new things in new ways, from new, more suitable partners. “Time heals everything. Sometimes you have to go through that pain and heartbreak so that you can get to the other side and come out on top.” – Christina Aguilera

分手后，恰恰是用新方式学习新事物的时候，也是从更合适的新伴侣那里学习的时候。“时间能治愈一切。有时候你必须经历那种痛苦和心碎，才能到达彼岸，涅槃重生。”——克里斯蒂娜·阿奎莱拉

Post-divorce, I became a better mother. I rediscovered old hobbies. I learned to hike, backpack, and run marathons. I hung out with a new bunch of amazing girlfriends.

离婚后，我成了一个更好的母亲。我重新找回了旧日的爱好。我学会了徒步旅行、做背包客，还跑起了马拉松。我结交了一群棒极了的新闺蜜。

All these benefits emerged from my decision to let go of my story, pick myself up, and get on with whatever life held in store for me.

所有这些恩赐，都源于我做出了那个决定：放下我的过去，振作起来，坦然迎接生活为我准备好的一切。

As Fisher put it: “Some glorious morning, you will notice that you haven’t thought of your hurtful partner in a week or more. Your enemy is no longer lodging in your head.”

正如费舍尔所说：“在某个阳光明媚的早晨，你会突然发现，你已经有一个多星期没想起那个伤害过你的伴侣了。你的敌人已经不在你脑子里扎营了。”

That newly vacated space is valuable real estate. It will be your indisputable, physiological proof that when it comes to unrequited love, you’re a survivor.

那片刚刚腾出来的空间，是极其宝贵的“心智地产”。这将是你无可争辩的生理证据，证明在面对无果的爱情时，你是一个挺过来的幸存者。

So give it time. Time is nature’s “delete” button. Know the scars of love will eventually fade…and so will your memories of your old, inadequate flame.

所以，多给它一点时间吧。时间是大自然赋予我们的“删除”键。要知道，爱的伤疤终会褪去……你对那个早已不合适的旧爱的记忆，也同样会随风消散。