是什么让一个男人对一个女人保持忠诚What Makes a ManStay Loyal to One Woman

Once, I was out on a date with a younger man, a business analyst, and we hit it off. We had coffee, then walked to matching massage chairs at the mall and kept talking. Out of curiosity, I asked if my being older would be an issue. He shrugged and said, “No, not at all. I like that you know where you stand and where you’re going. Most people I date have no clue, and it makes for constant drama.” Then he said something that stuck with me: it’s easy to find people to fulfill a biological need, aka sex, but there is rarely a connection beyond the moment. He was searching for a connection that had the potential to develop into a relationship. From what I’ve seen, men are visual. If you’re attractive, suitors won’t be scarce. If you give in too easily, chances are they lose interest. If you have standards, you’ll often end up alone because most want access, not effort.

有一次，我和一位年轻一些的男士约会，他是一名商业分析师，我们相谈甚欢。我们先喝了咖啡，又一起走到商场里的按摩椅坐下，继续聊了很久。出于好奇，我问他，我比他年长会不会是个问题。他耸耸肩说：“完全不会。我喜欢你很清楚自己想要什么、要去哪里。我约会过的大多数人都一头雾水，这只会带来没完没了的戏剧。”接着他说了一句让我印象深刻的话：要找人满足生理需求——也就是性——很容易，但很少有超越当下的连接。他在寻找的是能发展成一段关系的那种连接。在我看来，男人是视觉动物。如果你长得有吸引力，追求者就不会少。但如果你太容易妥协，他们往往很快就会失去兴趣。如果你有自己的标准，很多时候最后只能独自一人，因为大多数人想要的是获取，而不是付出。

That’s fine. It’s worth the wait.

没关系，值得等待。

My partner and I have our own little love story. He was infatuated, writing me poetry daily, trying to woo me, and succeeding rather splendidly.

我和伴侣也有属于我们的爱情故事。他当时沉醉其中，每天写诗追求我，而且相当成功。

On this day of love — My words fail me From the weight of my devotion — So let me weep.

在这爱的日子里 —— 因我挚爱之沉重，我的言语失效—— 让我以泪替言。

By God, never before Have I tasted such passion Through two eyes alone — Enough, you have undone me.

天啊，从前我从未尝过这样的激情，仅凭两只眼睛 —— 够了，你已令我失守。

Infatuation is exciting, but it’s also temporary. Science tells us that at the onset or stage 1, it’s testosterone that’s running the show, not oxytocin, the hormone responsible for deeper attachment.

迷恋是令人兴奋的，但也是短暂的。科学告诉我们，在最初的第一阶段，主导的是睾酮，而不是负责深层依恋的催产素。

I didn’t make it easy for him. I needed to feel mentally and physically safe with him, so we first got to know each other through long talks and sharing pieces of our lives before meeting for the first time. Once the emotional connection was established, he flew to Boston to see me.

我并没有让他轻易得逞。我需要在心理和生理上都感到安全，所以我们先通过长时间的交谈和分享各自的生活来了解彼此，然后才见面。一旦情感连接建立起来，他就飞到波士顿来看我。

This is the next phase or stage 2, when emotional bonds form, oxytocin rises, and attachment strengthens, often before physical intimacy.

这就是第二阶段，当情感纽带逐渐形成，催产素水平上升，依恋感增强，往往发生在身体亲密之前。

Since I’m older than him and hopefully a tad bit wiser about human nature, I figured it was still infatuation plus chemistry running strong. It could have ended there because sometimes not all online relationships have a happy ending.

因为我比他年长，也希望自己对人性更有几分洞察，所以我以为这依旧只是迷恋加上化学反应的作用。关系完全可能止步于此，因为并不是所有的网络恋情都有美好的结局。

Meeting in person and spending time together made him realize I’m more than just my looks. He said he feels calm and happy around me. He can talk to me about work or life and knows I’ll listen with empathy and no judgment.

然而见面并共度时光后，他发现我不仅仅是外貌。他说，在我身边他感到平静和幸福。他可以和我谈工作、谈生活，因为他知道我会用同理心去倾听，不会评判。

And that’s stages 3 and 4 – falling in love and staying in love.

这就是第三阶段和第四阶段 —— 相爱与相守。

他不会离开的5个理由

1.不只是性 —— 而是连接 Do you remember the date I mentioned at the beginning? He sounded weary and empty from all the casual dating and hook-ups he had been involved in over the years. He was ready to fall in love and be with someone with whom he could build something meaningful, rather than waking up next to a stranger the next morning. 还记得我一开始提到的那次约会吗？他说起这些年来的随意约会和短暂的亲密经历时，显得疲惫而空虚。他已经准备好去真正坠入爱河，和一个人一起建立有意义的关系，而不是第二天早晨醒来时身边又是个陌生人。

2.他可以做自己 There’s a clear difference between the men I’ve dated and the ones I’ve actually been in a relationship with. It usually starts with a bit of bluster — some peacocking, trying to impress. But once they realize I’m not into material things and I’m not looking for a man to buy me what I can buy myself, something shifts. I think the word is respect. When a man sees you’re just looking for real companionship with no hidden agenda, he’ll quickly relax and be himself. 我约会过的男人和我真正进入关系的男人之间有明显的区别。通常一开始会有些张扬 —— 一点炫耀，试图讨好。但当他们意识到我并不在乎物质，也不指望男人去买我自己能买的东西时，情况就会发生转变。我觉得那个词是尊重。当一个男人明白你只是想要真实的陪伴，没有任何隐藏的目的时，他会很快放松下来，敞开心扉。It’s amazing how quickly he relaxes and opens up.当他意识到你不玩感情游戏时，他能立刻放松并敞开心扉。Because once a man realizes you’re not into playing games, he can be himself. He’s committed to being with the one person who he knows brings peace, intimacy, and stability that casual dating can’t offer.因为他明白你追求真实关系后，会专注于和你共建平静、亲密与稳定——这些是随意约会无法给予的。

3.你们在建立生活，而不仅仅是共享一张床 I used to enjoy flirting. But I’ve never aspired to the trend of having multiple partners. One relationship is work enough, maybe because I tend to be all in. I share daily updates about my life, family, worries, and frustrations, which is foundational in creating a deep bond. Recently, I went through a tough time, and my partner was there with me throughout, even though we live in different time zones. 我曾经喜欢调情。但我从未想过追随多伴侣的潮流。一段关系已经够需要用心了，或许因为我总是全情投入。我会分享关于自己生活、家庭、担忧和烦恼的日常点滴，而这正是建立深厚纽带的基础。最近我经历了一段艰难的时光，即使我们身处不同时区，他始终陪伴在我身边。

4.避免纷争与复杂 I don’t think you can truly know a person in a year or even a lifetime. And that’s okay because I like to uncover new facets of the person I am with and fall in love with them all over again. Maintaining multiple relationships doesn’t give you an opportunity for that. It is emotionally exhausting and complicated, so many prefer the simplicity of one committed partner. 我不认为你能在一年，甚至一生中完全了解一个人。而这没关系，因为我喜欢不断发现对方的新面貌，并一次次重新爱上他。维持多段关系无法给予你这样的机会。那样在情感上令人筋疲力尽，也过于复杂，所以很多人更愿意选择一段简简单单的承诺关系。

5.你是他的那个人 Lots of people want their partner to be their best friend. That closeness, intimacy, and deep friendship with one person create a bond that goes way beyond romance. If you find that special friend, it’s amazing because you share so much in common and never run out of things to talk about. 许多人希望伴侣也是他们最好的朋友。与某个人建立的这种亲密、深厚的友情远远超越了浪漫关系。如果你找到了那个特别的朋友，那真的很美妙，因为你们有太多的共同点，从不缺话题。