30岁后的人生重大选择Life-Changing Decisions you’ll make in your thirties

Your twenties are over. The days of lolling around, wasting time, looking rested on three hours of sleep, and casually making bad decisions are gone. Or are they? It may seem like you need to make the correct decisions in your thirties if you want to set yourself up for success, but that’s not true. You always have options, so don’t let the pressure get to you! Don’t believe me? Consider the following.
你的二十岁已经结束了。那些整天无所事事、浪费时间、只睡三小时依然精神焕发、随意做出糟糕决定的日子一去不复返了。或者说真的结束了吗？三十岁后你需要做出正确决定才能为成功人生奠定基础，但事实并非如此。你永远都有选择，所以不要让压力压垮你！不信？看看下面的内容。

If by thirty you don’t have a solid dental-hygiene routine, your options are:
如果你三十岁还没有养成良好的牙齿清洁习惯，你有两个选择：

Make an appointment at the most expensive dentist in the city, beg her for forgiveness for your years of not flossing, accept the price of four thousand dollars for half an X-ray (how they cut it in half isn’t explained), and allow her to pump you full of novocaine as she works her magic on your decrepit teeth. Move to the U.K.
预约全市最贵的牙医，向她求情，为自己多年来没使用牙线而忏悔，接受四千美元半张X光片的费用（虽然不清楚他们如何将X光片切成两半），并忍受她用麻药处理你那一副糟糕的牙齿。

If by thirty-one you don’t have a retirement plan, your options are: Forgo all vacations and dinners out with friends in order to funnel thirty-eight per cent of your salary into your 401(k) so that you can retire at seventy-five and spend your remaining years playing bridge and continuing to work part time.
如果你到三十一岁还没有退休计划，你有两个选择：放弃所有假期和与朋友的聚餐，把你薪水的38%都投入到401(k)退休账户里，这样你可以在75岁时退休，然后剩下的日子里一边玩桥牌，一边还得继续干兼职。

Plug your ears with your fingers whenever the topic comes up in conversation.
别人提到退休计划时，捂住耳朵假装听不见。

If by thirty-two you don’t have a skin-care routine, your options are:
如果你到了三十二岁还没有护肤的习惯，你有两个选择：

Empty your bank account and commit forty-five minutes of every hour to the careful application of retinol cream and the Googling of which Vitamin C serums are just a hoax (hint: all of them).
花掉账户里所有的钱买视黄醇霜，再花每小时里的45分钟把它们仔细涂抹到脸上，并研究哪些维生素C精华是骗局（温馨提示：所有维生素都是骗局）。

Start dressing as a raisin for Halloween. It’ll barely require a costume.
在万圣节时打扮成葡萄干，几乎不需要服装和道具。

If by thirty-three you haven’t found career satisfaction, your options are:
如果你到了三十三岁还没找到职业满足感，你有两个选择：

Stay at the job you have, work until eight every night, wrap your smartphone to your hand so you’re never off the grid, and hope that if you stick it out for another twenty years, you’ll finally start getting weekends off.
继续现在的工作，晚上加班到八点，把智能手机绑在手上，确保随时在线，期待再坚持二十年后能开始有周末休息。

Ask your parents if they’re secretly wealthy. If not, get different parents.
问问父母是否很有钱。如果他们真没钱，考虑换个父母。

If by thirty-four you’re still single, your options are:
如果你到了三十四岁仍然单身，你有两个选择：

Get a facelift, hire a consultant to craft the perfect Hinge profile, pay five thousand dollars to a matchmaker, and dramatically lower your standards.
去做一次整容手术，雇个顾问来制作完美的Hinge交友档案，花五千美元请个媒人，并大幅降低你的择偶标准。

Another cat.
养一只猫。

If by thirty-five you have heartburn, your options are:
如果你到了三十五岁开始胃反酸，你有两个选择：

Run six miles every day. Sorry to your knees.
每天跑六英里，虽然这对你的膝盖来说不太友好。

Start writing your will. Fortunately, it shouldn’t be that difficult, since you contributed only thirty-eight per cent to your 401 (k).
开始写遗嘱。幸运的是，这不会太难，因为你在401(k)账户里只贡献了38%。

If by thirty-six you don’t know what a Roth I.R.A. is, your options are:
如果你三十六岁还不知道罗斯个人退休账户，你有两个选择：

Sell all your clothes on Poshmark.
把你所有的衣服都二手卖掉。

Gambling. Any kind is fine—sports, reality TV, betting on which of your friends’ babies will be most annoying…
去赌博。任何形式的都可以，体彩、真人秀下注、甚至是猜测哪个朋友的宝宝会最烦人也行…

If by thirty-seven you don’t have a satisfying social life, your options are:
如果你三十七岁仍然对自己的社交生活不满意，你有两个选择：

Continue to gather your college friends for monthly dinner parties, even though fewer and fewer people come each time, and it’s kind of clear that your lives have all veered in different directions, and there’s basically nothing left to your friendships.
尽管来的人越来越少，依然坚持每月举办一次大学同学聚餐。不过大家的生活已经完全不同，友谊也几乎已经没有了。

For example, Nancy had a child, which is the only thing she talks about. What did she talk about before she had a child? You can’t remember—it was so long ago.
比如，南希有了孩子，她现在只会谈论自己的孩子。她在有孩子之前说过什么？你已经不记得了——那是很久以前的事了。

Join a cult. It’s the only way to make new friends in your thirties.
加入一个邪教组织。因为这是三十多岁结交新朋友的唯一方法。

If by thirty-eight you don’t own a home, your options are:
如果你到了三十八岁还没有买房，你有两个选择：

Reconsider the definition of “home.” Maybe you don’t need to live in the city. Or the suburbs. Or a rural area. Maybe you’d be O.K. with a large enough sublet that comes with six roommates and an iguana.
重新考虑一下”家”的定义。也许你不需要住在城市、郊区或农村里。也许你能接受跟六个室友和一只鬣蜥一起住在一个足够大的转租房里。

And what about squatters’ rights? Those could work in your favor. Google it.
你问我什么是”占屋者权利”？赶紧去谷歌一下，这可能对你很有帮助。

If by thirty-nine you haven’t started a family, your options are:
如果你到了三十九岁还没有组建家庭，你有两个选择：

Maybe sell your kidney to pay for I.V.F.?
考虑一下卖肾来支付试管婴儿的费用？

Another cat.
或者再养一只猫。

If by forty you still don’t have every single part of your life figured out, your options are:
如果你四十岁还是没能搞懂生活的方方面面，那你的选择是：

None. You’re finally free.
没得选。人生终于自由了。