我们不要恁多网红但要摸鱼岗位We Need Fewer Influencers and More Bullshit E-MailJobs

Growing up, I had these childlike dreams of being an astronaut, a firefighter, or an N.F.L. player with twenty concussions. But because of my state-school education that my parents paid for with their grandparents’ money, I was lucky enough to dream bigger. So, with just a 2.5 G.P.A., a few called-in favors from Dad’s golf buddy, and luck, I became a person with a B.S. e-mail job. But now it seems as if no one even wants to come into an office as an Innovation and Design Experience Assistant two days a week in the name of justifying real estate. Instead, everybody wants to be an influencer who demands that I, the average scroller, buy some lymphatic-drainage vibration plate that makes my body shake even though I’m not on that side of the short video app, you know?

从小到大，我一直怀揣着充满童真的梦想:成为宇航员、消防员，或者是一位脑震荡过二十次的职业橄榄球员。但是，多亏了父母用祖父母的钱为我支付的公立学校教育，我有幸能够做更宏大的梦。于是，凭着仅仅2.5的绩点、老爸高尔夫球友的几个人情，再加上一点点运气，我成为了一名拥有一份“狗屁工作”的人。但现在，似乎连那些名义上为了证明公司租金花得值，而要求每周来办公室两天的“创新与设计体验助理”都没人愿意干了。相反，人人都想当网红，强迫像我这样普通的滑屏党去买什么排毒震动仪，震得我浑身发抖，即便我根本就不怎么刷那种短视频，你懂吧?

We need to go back to the old days, to before we asked sexy people to sell us things. There need to be fewer influencers and significantly more people breaking their backs doing B.S. e-mail jobs, as the Global Market Influence Architects of the world.

我们需要回到过去的好时光，回到那个还没有让俊男靓女向我们推销东西的年代。这个世界需要少一点网红，多一点拼死拼活干着“狗屁工作”的人，让他们成为这个世界的“全球市场影响力架构师”。

The B.S. e-mail job isn’t just about making billions of dollars for people who don’t care if you live or die. It’s a higher calling. It’s bigger than spreadsheets and K.P.O.s, don’t you see? I’m not just selling technology that will eventually replace me, I’m selling dreams—dreams of automation, revenue, and other buzzwords I’ve been trained to say. When I signed on the dotted line after being offered the role of Business Development Energy Software Analyst, I took an oath: do no harm to the bottom line.

这种工作不仅仅是为了给那些根本不在乎你死活的人赚取数十亿美元，它更是一种崇高的使命。你难道看不出来吗?它的意义远超电子表格和各种关键绩效指标。我不仅是在推销最终会取代我自己的技术，我更是在贩卖梦想一一自动化、营收，以及其他我受过专门训练才懂得说的流行热词。当我在“业务拓展能源软件分析师”的录用通知上签字时，我立下了誓言:绝不损害公司的核心利润。

Influencers don’t know what ethics are—heck, they don’t even say hashtag ad when it clearly is one. They’re liars, while what I do is lie in my very own, corporate way, like when I say, ‘I’m taking fifteen,’ when really I’m doing a three-hour tipsy brunch with the boys on a random Tuesday.

网红们根本不懂什么是职业道德——哎，哪怕明明是广告，他们连个标签都不打。他们就是骗子。而我所做的，则是用我独有的、充满职场风格的方式撒谎，比如在某个普通的星期二，我嘴上说着“我去休息十五分钟”，实际上却和兄弟们去吃了一顿长达三小时的微醺早午餐。

I bet influencers don’t understand what it’s like to survive a fire drill when you’re an Account Executive Manager of Consumer Solutions Engineer. You don’t know if you’re going to make it home by 5:30 P.M.! But let me tell you, when you get a compliment from your superior, and the ultimate bonus (more work)—there’s no better feeling.

我敢打赌，网红们绝对体会不到身为“消费者解决方案工程客户执行经理”，在经历一场演习后“幸存”下来是什么感觉。你甚至都不知道自己能不能在下午五点半前准时回家！但听我说，当你得到上司的夸奖，并收获终极奖励（更多的工作）时——那种感觉简直妙不可言。

No one wants to pretend to do their jobs anymore. While everyone aspires to become the next big influencer who writes, films, and edits their own videos, we need Principal Web Optimization and Synergy Managers who want to get their hands dirty by moving their computer mouses every few minutes so it appears as if they’re online as they binge ‘Real Housewives’ in their pajamas.

现在再也没有人愿意假装在工作了。虽然每个人都渴望成为下一个自己写稿、拍摄并剪辑视频的大网红，但我们真正需要的，是那些愿意“弄脏双手”的“首席网络优化与协同经理”们——他们穿着睡衣狂追各种狗血真人秀时，会尽职尽责地每隔几分钟就挪动一下鼠标，好让自己看起来一直保持在线状态。

While influencers are being threatened in the comments sections of videos about their morning routines, we need Directors of Manual Automation Sales Development to roll up their sleeves and type one singular e-mail every day in which they pass off their work to a different department.

当网红们在分享早晨日常视频的评论区里遭受言语攻击时，我们需要“手动自动化销售拓展总监”们挽起袖子，每天认认真真地敲出一封独一无二的电子邮件，巧妙地把自己的工作甩锅给其他部门。

Picture, for just a moment, what our society would look like without those brave men and women with B.S. e-mail jobs. Without the hardworking Principal International Hardware and Software Relationship Managers of the world, let’s just say that Japan would have one less tourist maximizing their unlimited P.T.O.

请想象一下，如果没有那些从事着“狗屁电子邮件工作”的勇敢男女，我们的社会会变成什么样？世界上要是没有了那些辛勤工作的“首席国际软硬件关系经理”，这么说吧，日本街头就会少一个把无限带薪休假薅到极致的游客。

Take away the courteous Quality Print Ink Cartridge Response Consultants in this country, and suddenly your company is left with an additional hundred and ten thousand dollars in the bank each year to spend on better snacks at the office, more swag that no one will ever wear, and increased parental leave for the employees who actually do work.

如果社会上失去了那些彬彬有礼的“高品质打印墨盒响应顾问”，你的公司账户里每年就会突然多出十一万美元。这些钱可以用来买更好的办公室零食、订购更多没人会穿的公司文化衫，或者给那些真正干活的员工增加产假福利。

Without heroes like me, you can say goodbye to my great-aunt Susan looking confused and saying, ‘How nice, dear,’ whenever she asks me what I do, and I reply, ‘I’m a Lead Group Functionality and Web Excellence Administrator, Water Cooler Division, and my job is to optimize processes within the product space to insure that the synergy drives collaboration.’

如果没有像我这样的职场英雄，你就会失去这样一个经典画面：每次我苏珊大姨奶奶问我是做什么的，我都会回答：“我是饮水机部门的首席团队功能与网络卓越管理员，我的工作是优化产品领域的流程，以确保协同效应推动团队合作。”然后她一脸迷茫地说：“真不错，亲爱的。”

Could an influencer do that? America, wake up. We don’t need more influencers. We need more B.S. e-mail jobs. Specifically, we need more of them so that I can get hired to do another one, because I just got let go last week.

网红能做到这一点吗?朋友们，醒醒吧。我们不需要更多的网红。我们需要更多的“狗屁电子邮件工作”。说得更具体一点，我们需要创造更多这样的岗位，这样我才能再被招进去干下一份，因为上周我刚刚被裁了。